I lost a friend this past week. He was my age.
None of us saw it coming. There are so many questions. “Why didn’t we see his level of despair? What could we have done to help “pull him back from the cliff?” What made him feel so hopeless that he saw suicide as the only answer?” Yes, he took his own life. And we didn’t see it coming.
He was not just an acquaintance. Our kids had grown up together. He had been instrumental in my son’s life during his teenage years. We are all shocked, saddened, during this surreal time. It almost seems like a bad dream, but we are awake. Time momentarily slowed when we heard the news.
So what can we all learn from this? One thing is that we need to be more vulnerable to each other and to be a safe place for each other where we can admit we are hurting or struggling. Life is messy. Life hurts. And we need to be able to help encourage, uplift, and walk through challenges with each other. We can only do this when we know what challenges we are facing.
It takes real relationships, not superficial ones. Asking each other how we really feel – and being ok with hearing the truth instead of, “I’m fine.” How many times do we ask each other, “How are you?” and instinctively we answer, “I’m good.” or “Great!” when that may not be the whole truth. I want my friends to know it is ok to be real with me. And know that I will be there for them to help, not judge them for the way they feel or the struggles they face.
Since I also lost a spouse, I’m uniquely equipped to help his wife walk through this unexpected, dark time. Please keep her and their kids in your prayers. I pray that some lasting good comes from this tragedy and that we all learn something important.
After he passed, several of my friends and I talked about being the kind of friend that you could call at 2am in a crisis or just because you are in a dark place and know that it will be ok, we will answer, and listen or pray with and for you. Or if need be, we will get dressed and drive across town to be with you. I want to be that kind of friend for you. I pray that we all have or find someone to be that kind of friend, and that we will invest in others and be that kind of friend.
Blessings.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”
– Henri Nouwen
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